in
this house that I mapped out. This house is located in mexico, and I
remember it was the biggest house ever. It had five bedrooms that could
easily have been turned into two bedrooms each because the rooms were so
big. I moved to the united states when i was six so i could only
remember so little of what many things I did in that house at such a
young age.
Me and my brother used to run all over the house everyday after
kindergarten or just even when we woke up. I think those were the best
times of my life I didn't have anything else to care about I would do
anything to go back to those days. Me and my brother would switch rooms
almost everyday because we had so many rooms and their was only three of
us living at that house. It was only me my brother and my mom my dad
was in Los Angeles for most of that time, actually he wasn't even there
when I was born he only came once to see me but i don't really remember
that. I lived in mexico for six years and moved to los angeles for
another six years and I have only went back once to visit my family in
mexico and I had a lot of fun.when I went in that house again when I got to mexico it was pretty cool it just felt really comfortable. There's always things to do where I lived you would never get bored. Los Angeles was pretty much the same there was always things to do and I had a lot of friends there I knew everyone since I started there in the first grade up to the sixth and then moved to kansas city.
I could tell by the way that you wrote about the house, that it was an exciting place for you to live. It's almost every kid's dream to be able to have all those rooms to play in. I always had to share a room, so having more than enough would have been a welcome change! Your writing technique was really solid. I did see that there were a couple capitalization errors and some subject verb agreement issues. One example would be "when we woke up" (maybe "when we would wake up"). I also wanted to read more. The story was interesting and then just ended.
ReplyDeleteI could tell by the story that you had a lot of fun in the house as a kid. I understood by the way you wrote, that this house was a big part of your life and that you miss it. I was actually ale to visualize the size of the house and the immense size of each room by the way you described them. I felt the joy that you and your brother had everyday by playing in the house and being able to change to a different room every day. The only thing that I could say needs to be corrected in this story is the capitalization errors that I saw but other than that it was a really good story
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ReplyDeletewhen I stared reading the story, I was thinking about how I use to do the same thing back at Mexico how you use to wake up and start playing I use to do the same thing. In this part I think that its was confusing "It was only me my brother and my mom my dad was in Los Angeles for most of that time, actually he wasn't even there when I was born he only came once to see me but i don't really remember that". I think that you have to use comas, where you say "It was only my brother, mom, and me, and then you have to start another sentens saying that your dad was at Los Angeles. I think that you did a good gob but you need to work on your capitalization.
ReplyDeletewhen I was reading the story it was didn't have no indent or double space the page so it can look like a really story that some other people can read it. And other things you need to but capitalization in the paragraph and another thing is to but to Los Angeles California and the name of there mom and dad."
ReplyDeleteThat must of been a really big house. The problem I saw in the story was that you were missing a lot of punctuation. Talk more about living in Mexico not just sleeping in different rooms and running around in the house. Maybe even talk a little bit more when you were living in LA and talk about when you came Kansas City. Overall pretty good story, just work on that punctuation.
ReplyDeletei can relate to the story it seems like most of the families in mexico have some body in the family in the united states working to support them and so they can have a better future
ReplyDelete,but some plans don't always work out like they where planed ,i think when you where explaining the details you could of being more expesific in the little things like color the weather and staff like the.but you did a good job
I can relate to this story because i lived in Mexico too. So i know how it feels being in Mexico. It sounds a really big house and since it was a big house I can predict you had more memories so you can put more memories on your story. The problem that I see is that you didn't put punctuations it would make your story with more paragraphs. Tell more about how you felt leaving the house. Overall it was a really good story I like it.
ReplyDeleteI just to have a house like that just a little small. Same as your dad my dad was here working hard to support us in Mexico, but anyways I relate to this because the house is the first place to have the best memories.
ReplyDeletei like how you wrote about that house because i think that's what every kid does in there house. i also like how you say you never got bored in Mexico or in LA but give more details on how weren't you bored. what would you do all day in LA?
ReplyDeleteI like this story, it is very.... good um i love how you wrote about that house. And I don't have much to say other than what I just said.
ReplyDeleteThe writer did a good job with details and making the story interesting. There were few grammatical errors but not many. They could've done a better job on the conclusion of the story and some punctuation. I like how the story wasn't too long but not too short either. It was also interesting hearing from a city I've never visited.
ReplyDeleteYou can tell you really liked your house back then. The story is good. It needs a little more work on capitalization. Once you fix that the story is pretty good. It could use some details through out the story, so it could be a better picture for the reader. It seems like you just ended the story, you should add more to the closing part of your story.
ReplyDeletei like that story a lot because its like my child except my was a neighborhood, but you some words in wrong places and theres words you could of use to make it sound more exciting and make sounds like if everything happen yesterday.
ReplyDeleteI lick this story it remands me of mexico wen i was a kid wen my dad work and my mom tack care of my brother and me bet wen i came to america it changed becuse my mom had to work and my dad becuse we direct have money and i had to cline the house and cut the grass its a good store over all.
ReplyDeleteThis story sounds like many of the stories I've heard before about Mexico and how their dad was in America before they were. I like the fact that you used a lot of details. Makes me want to go to Mexico to visit because i haven't been their in a while. Also makes me want to go to Los Angles since I've never been there but i know theirs a lot of fun things to do. You kept it short and intresting which is a very good thing.
ReplyDeleteI like how this story started and ended, it just needed work on the capitalization and to fix some what parts of the story to bring better picture when describing the situation on from were about how old and year this happened.
ReplyDelete