When
I was little my parents use to watch me play kickball with my friends.
The game will begin with two captains, that will pick their teams. The
size of the game will depend on how many of my friends show up to play.
For an unknown reason we would play kickball in the street, even though
theres a park right in front of my house. When the game began you can
hear are parents cheering in the background as the first ball was
kicked. 30 minute would pass by as my team become in first place with a
score with my team having 5, the other team having 3.
When
I went up to kick the ball my mom said “you can do it, kick a homerun”
it made me feel like i was playing a national sport I turned around and
said “wish me good luck.” I Am standing at the base, I can hear the
crowd gets louder like the radio on full blast, The sun going down as
the moon comes out. The weather changes quickly from a warm breeze to
cold air reminding me of my freezer. The ball is rolled to me I kicked
the ball as hard as i can, the ball went soaring thru the air. I made it
to the second base with one out on the team, hoping that the bases
will get loaded to get a home run from the next kicker.
It does tell what you exactly did to play kick ball. Only thing was some of the words you used were not used in the right way, for example when you are talking about peoples belongs you are suppose to use "our" not are. Another things is all the numbers that are used so far should be written out. When starting a new sentence you are not suppose to use a number for example "30." I could tell that you and your friends parents were involved. You should make something in connection from you playing kick ball to you describing the weather.
ReplyDeleteGood job explaining the feeling of playing kickball in your eyes. I liked it when you compared the cold breeze to your freezer it made me feel like I was actually in the story. Also a part where I seen you where actually taking things of the environment to make the story sound bigger and exciting
ReplyDeleteI think this is a really good story. I like the words you used in your story. you could have made your story a little bit longer since you can really describe things. you really created a good mental picture in my mind. great job and keep u the good work.
ReplyDeleteI think we all have great memories like this. I also remember playing with my friends in the streets. I this could've been a great story if it would've told me everything with more details. I don't think this story is complete. There were also words that weren't used correctly like "will" instead of "would" or can instead of could.
ReplyDeleteGood job explaining the feeling of playing kickball in your eyes
ReplyDeleteIt's a good story but it doesn't really tell more about his childhood, It should talk about more things
ReplyDeleteThe story that you wrote was excellences. I like the story, because you are talking about sport. Sport is one of my favorite thing to do then other. When I was kid I used to play soccer after school, my friends and I used to wait for other people to come play soccer with us. When I read your story, it make me think back that I used to play soccer with my friends and wait for other people to play with us. You did a good job of writing your favorite sports.
ReplyDeleteGood story i like how you described playing kickball. i also use to play kickball when i was a kid. this story made me feel like i was actually in it. It reminded me of when i use to play kickball. Good story overall.
ReplyDeleteThe story is very detailed. I enjoyed reading it. I feel great while reading it and made me remember my childhood too with this passage. Few words are not the right words to be used and some of it are not in their right places. Overall, you're work is very good!
ReplyDeleteIt is a very good story. It was very descriptive, it almost made me feel like I was there at the field watching the game. The only thing is, it doesn't tell me much about your childhood past, except that you like to play kick ball. Overall good story, just tell a little more about your child hood.
ReplyDeleteThis Story Had Very Good Details it made me have a little flashback to when i was a kid playing kick ball for a second. The only thing that I think is wrong with this story is that it need's to be more information and more childhood telling. But some work is better then no work. :]
ReplyDeleteOverall effort good job.
This story had some very good memory it made me think back to when i was a little boy and i had play kick ball back then. but you good though the only thing that you is more childhood telling in the story that you wrote.
ReplyDeleteI think that's awesome! I used to play kick ball all the time when I was little, no one ever made me caption of the game. But that was ok because, I was the fastest on the team.
ReplyDeleteWell this story touch me because I just to play soccer on the street too. and when a car past by we had to move the rocks to the side.. haha.. good memories. It was a good story like i said it touch me.. but u need to add more... thats all :P...
ReplyDeleteI think this story could've been a great story if it had more details and more to read. It ended really quick. I think we all have great childhood memories related to this one.I know there's more to this story, seemed like you rushed through it. There were also words that weren't used correctly. Always re-read your stories and you'll see your stories will come out great.
ReplyDeleteGood story I don't like kickball but you macket sond lick a good game. When the mother sede "you can do it kick homerun" that to me will be humiliating other that the story is intreating.
ReplyDeleteThis was a good story, it reminded me a lot of my past. It seemed like you had a good childhood and didn't want it to end, especially since you family supported you. The story made me feel like i was playing kickball with you because it seemed real when you were telling it. You put a lot of detail in it. I really liked reading it. (:
ReplyDeleteThis story has a good heading and very detail... its a good memory to relate with others about child hood memory's ...I think it needs to be checked over on the spelled check for the word i spotted was (thru).
ReplyDelete